Sometimes you need to allow life to save you from what you thought you wanted.
I felt my self unraveling. At the end of my rope, desperately grasping to keep it all from coming apart at the seems - just as the musical heroes i looked up to most started dying. Taking their own lives, rather. Natural causes and accidents happen. They are sometimes unavoidable. Suicide, on the other hand, is a completely different matter. The passing of Linkin Parks front man was like a switchblade that cut me deep. Lil' Peep's passing added salt to the wound.
Chris Cornell (Sound Garden) took his life around this time, and most recently, Avicii.
It haunts me to my core knowing these men were so unhappy living what I believed to be my dream lifestyle and career. Traveling the world on global tours. Electrifying crowds at sold out stadium arena shows, performing for millions of souls. Platinum records. Billions of streams on Spotify - the whole lot. You name it.
It's puzzling. In the midst (or end) of all that success - you feel so tortured, you call the whole thing off. Abruptly, harshly, and permanently. No farewell tour.
Maybe what I wanted wasn't best for me. Sounds crazy, but I am actually glad I never made it. I believe I share many of the flaws and demons that tortured these men. While I don't claim to know what anyone else existence has been like, - I connected strongly to LP's and Peep's music - which offered me a glimpse into their hearts. A deep place within that these honest, vulnerable songs poured out of. I whole heatedly think my fate would have mirrored theirs.
I admit to my broken character. Aren't we all but constant works in progress? Yet my imperfections and flaws would have been magnified to such a grand scale... and just like a faulty bomb, I would have self-destruct and left a crater of destruction.
I’m glad I never made it. Success at a young age surely would have been a death sentence to me. As you age, I hope you grow wiser. I've got a new future I am chasing. full of fresh aspirations. Brimming with love. A path of restoration and reparation.